SINGAPORE — In response to an unprecedented oversupply of durians flooding the market, authorities have reportedly urged Singaporeans to consume at least three durians a day as part of a "national fruit resilience effort."
Officials stressed that participation is voluntary, before adding that "everyone should do their part."
"We're not saying you must eat durian," explained Senior Director of Tropical Fruit Consumption, Lim Kim Huat. "We're merely saying that if you truly love Singapore, you'll find room for another Mao Shan Wang after dinner."
The advisory recommends one durian at breakfast, one after lunch, and a third "whenever you begin questioning your life choices."
To support the campaign, community clubs will organise weekly Durian Readiness Exercises, where residents practise opening thorny husks, identifying premium varieties by smell alone, and maintaining eye contact while eating in front of colleagues who hate the fruit.
Schools have also reportedly been asked to familiarise students with the new Durian Food Pyramid, where all food groups have been replaced with different cultivars.
Parents welcomed the initiative.
"My son refused vegetables for eight years," said one father. "Now he refuses vegetables and eats three durians instead. Progress."
The campaign has also produced unexpected economic benefits.
Luxury handbags have temporarily been abandoned in favour of reusable durian carriers, Grab drivers have begun charging an optional "olfactory surcharge," and refrigerators across the island have quietly surrendered.
Office workers, meanwhile, say the national effort has fostered unprecedented teamwork.
"Normally nobody wants to clear leftovers," said accounts executive Jeremy Chua. "Now twelve colleagues suddenly become brothers the moment someone announces there's free Black Thorn in the pantry."
Not everyone is convinced.
Health-conscious Singaporeans questioned whether consuming multiple durians daily was wise.
Experts reassured the public that, statistically speaking, most people would stop after two anyway.
By late afternoon, supermarkets had erected signs reading "Maximum 10 boxes per customer" after several patriotic uncles were spotted loading entire shopping trolleys while shouting, "I'm doing this for the economy!"
At press time, officials confirmed contingency plans were already underway should the oversupply continue, including converting Marina Bay Sands into the world's largest refrigerated durian storage facility and replacing this year's National Day Parade fireworks with 200 tonnes of perfectly ripened Mao Shan Wang dropped dramatically from helicopters.