SINGAPORE — Scientists at a government-funded research laboratory have unveiled a revolutionary memory-altering device capable of permanently erasing negative headlines from a person's memory, allowing citizens to maintain what researchers describe as "optimal national vibes."
Known simply as the Neuralyzer, the handheld device emits a brief flash of light before selectively deleting any news story that might cause unnecessary pessimism.
Researchers stressed that the technology is highly sophisticated and does not erase all memories.
"It only removes stories that make people say, 'Wah, things getting worse ah?'" explained lead scientist Dr. Lim See How.
"Happy news remains completely intact. In fact, users often remember those even more vividly."
During demonstrations, volunteers were asked to browse social media for fifteen minutes before receiving a single flash from the Neuralyzer.
Immediately afterwards, participants were only able to recall giant pandas, otters, NS55 discounts, and somebody's grandmother celebrating her 103rd birthday.
One participant appeared confused when asked about a controversial issue that had dominated public discussion just moments earlier.
"What issue?" he replied. "I was just reading about a cat rescued from a drain. Very touching."
Researchers said the invention solves one of modern society's biggest problems: the tendency for negative stories to remain in public consciousness far longer than positive ones.
"Our data shows people remember bad news for weeks," said Dr. Lim.
"Now they forget it in approximately 2.7 seconds."
The device also comes with an optional feature called Context Replacement™, which automatically fills the memory gap with a wholesome alternative.
Users who previously remembered reading about inflation instead distinctly recalled an article encouraging them to drink more water.
Those who had spent hours arguing online about politics later insisted they had been comparing chicken rice stalls instead.
One volunteer reportedly thanked researchers for "finally explaining why I opened Facebook."
Scientists admitted there were a few unexpected side effects.
Some users repeatedly rediscovered the same negative headline every morning and reacted with identical levels of surprise.
Others found themselves apologising to friends for forgetting entire conversations before immediately forgetting the apology as well.
The most severe case involved a man who had his memory reset seven consecutive days.
"He now believes it's Monday every morning," said researchers.
"He remains extraordinarily productive."
The research team is already working on an upgraded version capable of deleting awkward moments from corporate meetings.
Among the memories successfully removed during early testing were:
accidentally speaking while muted,
presenting the wrong PowerPoint,
replying "Love you" at the end of a Teams call,
and volunteering for additional responsibilities.
Executives who tested the prototype described it as "transformational."
"I can't remember why everyone was angry with me yesterday," said one senior manager.
"I've never felt more ready to lead."
Researchers insist the Neuralyzer is intended solely for scientific purposes and not for public deployment.
"Besides," said Dr. Lim, "if we had released it already..."
He paused, looked around the room, and smiled.
"...you probably wouldn't remember reading this article anyway."